Combining households or getting organized as a couple is a challenging dance. If the romance is a new one, there is usually a lot of starry-eyed compromise and consideration. The longer a couple has been together, ironically, the tougher it seems to be to reach decisions about what is important to keep or toss and how to organize. How do you peacefully and lovingly declutter and organize as a couple? Here are some tips.
Delineate the space. This means that each partner has a room, drawers and cupboards, a side of the closet or a storage area that is theirs and theirs alone to organize as they wish. If one partner is more compulsive about organizing than the other, they have to agree that all they can do is close the door on the space. There shouldn’t be any breach of privacy or trust by one partner going into the others’ domain and getting rid of or moving around their stuff. Typically, spaces given to a less organized partner are garages, a “man cave” or “she-shed,” a nightstand with drawers, an area of the bookshelves, etc.
Make agreements about public areas. For rooms like the kitchen, laundry room and living room that tend to be shared, have a clear discussion about each party’s expectations. Does one person need to have completely clear counters while the other likes to have daily use items visible 24/7? Is one partner comfortable with children’s toys being left in the living room while the other thinks they should be put away in the bedrooms every night? Have conversations sooner rather than later when moving into a new home, ideally before the moving boxes are unpacked.
Don’t move unnecessary items. The best way to save sanity, money and a relationship is to discuss what to keep and what to let go before it is packed, not while unpacking. Every time we touch an object, we put energy into it (thoughts) and thus add value to it, even if it is just a receipt from the grocery store. When you factor the time taken to pack it and the materials purchased to protect it in the packing, it becomes even more valuable and makes it harder to let go of on the unpacking end of things.
Understand your partner’s thinking or learning style and values. Understanding how a partner learns, what some of their less obvious values are and where these values come from will also really deepen intimacy. We choose partners partly based on shared values, but so often tertiary values that are not immediately apparent pop up while organizing. You will encounter irrational fears, nostalgia for certain childhood memories, anger based on resentments from past relationships and other emotions that create a value system related to stuff. For example, unless someone got to know me really well, they wouldn’t understand why I have to have multiples of all my favorite pants or why I need to have a library and can’t just keep my favorite books on an e-reader. Instead of becoming frustrated at what appears to be a partner’s irrational attachment to an item, be curious and treat the instance like an opportunity to get to know a fascinating person—your significant other.
Get clear on gifts. This is one of the most difficult and delicate clutter subjects there is. I try to have a no gifts policy and it never works, in fact, I break my own policy all the time. Granted, I try to give experiences, healthy edibles or products like special candles and soaps that can be used up. I have learned to cultivate a genuine, “please regift or pass it on if it doesn’t suit you,” attitude and add that tag line to anything I give someone.
People will stress out and purchase a clutter-type gift if they feel pressured to give something. If you’re reading this, you are probably already a minimalist or want to be, so make it clear that you prefer no gifts or just a gift certificate to a spa or flowers or movie tickets.
Communication is key. If someone loves you, it’s likely that they want you to be happy and that you want them to be happy. That can only happen if you know what each of you likes and dislikes about how things are stored or displayed in the home. Compromise will create that sense of peace and the loving feelings that make a house a happy home.